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The trouble with falling asleep

After tons of introspection I have learned to recognise signs that I need sleep. Nothing too unusual. A little tiredness, a little restlessness, and an inability to focus on anything for too long. What this means to me is it’s time for me to take a little nap, unless of course it is the end of the day, in which case it is time for me to call it a day. 

Now comes the problem that I never seem to know how to solve. Knowing I want to sleep but not being able to.

I thought writing an article on insomnia would be so boring that I’d fall asleep while writing it. Sadly that does not seem to be the case. Instead I seemed to have a developed a morbid fascination with where this article is going. I can’t imagine it going anywhere significantly profound because I am too sleepy to write anything particularly riveting. Instead, all I’m really doing is watching a stream of words flow out and wondering where they are going. 

I don’t want them to go anywhere too fascinating because then I won’t be able to fall asleep. On the other hand, I don’t want the words to be too boring because then I’d be left wondering why I was even writing this article. Almost like how you must be wondering why you are still reading this nonsense.

Are you, like me, hoping that I’ll get to some point which will make all the effort that you have put into reading so far meaningful? Or are you now getting worried that nothing of this sort is going to happen and you might as well throw the phone away in disgust right now?

Anytime we reach crossroads like this, it’s a good idea to scroll down and see how much more torture we still need to endure. If it seems too much to bear, walking away does seem most sensible than continuing to read. I for one have decided not to torture myself by writing any more. If for some reason you decide to keep going, do let me know how it goes. Maybe it has a happy ending that makes everything worth it. The one thing that I did notice is that I don’t feel sleepy anymore. 

The Curse of Productivity

I’ve accidentally woken up at 6AM, and now I have no idea what to do. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think there is anything wrong with waking up early. I also have no problem with people who like to wake up early just so that they can start their day productively. My problem is, I have no idea what being productive actually means and how it should look. 

I’m staring at an empty screen and wondering exactly what I should do. I’ve brushed and shaved and had my morning coffee. Oddly enough, that doesn’t take up as much time as you would expect. So now what?

Why do people like being productive anyway? Is there anything special about finishing a lot of pending tasks on your todo lists that makes this time of the day better than any other? And what about the people who were productive the previous night and have nothing left to do in the morning? Are they doomed to suffer their mornings in unproductivity purely because they dared to be productive at a time when no one else would?

Does productivity include the quest for things to do when feeling unproductive? The search for a higher meaning and purpose that only comes to people who are bored out of their minds? I am not quite sure, and can never quite tell. 

As a child I learned that looking busy was sufficient to earn praise from adults. In fact the word busy and productive both seem interconnected somehow. And somehow both words were more about how one looked than what one actually did at the time. 

So what if I decide that I no longer want to be productive and don’t want to fall into the trap of trying to comply with arbitrary rules that I find absurd? Well, then I have nothing to do. There is only so many times I can check my mail before I wish I had never woken up. 

After that I can decide to write a meaningless article about not being productive, which is where we now find ourselves. Ah well. Seems like a productive way to spend my morning.