Life often pushes us to be perfect and in control, whether at work, in relationships, or in our personal development. Books like I’m OK, You’re OK by Thomas Harris and Too Perfect: When Being in Control Gets Out of Control by Jean Braucher and Allan Mallinger dive into the heart of why many of us struggle with these tendencies and how they affect our well-being. Together, they offer a powerful message: the more we try to control or perfect everything, the further we get from true happiness, peace, and connection with others.
The Pressure of Perfectionism and Control
Both perfectionism and the need for control stem from deep-rooted fears. We want to avoid failure, criticism, and uncertainty. We want to feel that everything is under control. This leads to constant striving — for success, approval, and flawlessness. But what both books make clear is that this drive often results in stress, dissatisfaction, and distance from others.
In Too Perfect, the authors explain how the need to be perfect takes over every aspect of life. Perfectionists try to control not only their own actions but often the actions of others, too. This creates tension in relationships and makes it difficult to enjoy life’s simple moments. There’s always something to improve, to fix, or to control. But the more you try to control, the more you feel trapped by the weight of perfectionism. You lose the ability to relax and accept life as it is.
Similarly, I’m OK, You’re OK explores how people adopt different ways of relating to others. Some take on a controlling role, while others may feel inadequate or overly dependent. The book describes how people move between three ego states — Parent, Adult, and Child — and how these affect interactions with others. Many of us, unknowingly, engage from a place of control or inadequacy, rather than a balanced, Adult-to-Adult relationship that encourages mutual respect and understanding.
The Costs of Trying to Be Perfect and in Control
Both books highlight that the quest for perfection and control comes at a cost. When we’re obsessed with controlling outcomes or making things perfect, we disconnect from ourselves and others. Perfectionism makes us critical of ourselves and those around us. This creates emotional distance and a lack of understanding in relationships. Instead of connecting authentically, we focus on appearances, achievements, or avoiding mistakes.
Control is exhausting. It leads to anxiety, as we constantly anticipate what could go wrong and how to fix it. It leaves little room for joy, spontaneity, or flexibility. Relationships suffer when we try to control others or when we demand perfection from them or ourselves.
The Path Forward: Letting Go for More Peace and Connection
The deeper message of both Too Perfect and I’m OK, You’re OK is this: the key to peace, happiness, and fulfilling relationships lies not in controlling or perfecting everything but in letting go.
In Too Perfect, the authors encourage us to become aware of when perfectionism is taking over and to begin loosening our grip. This doesn’t mean we stop caring or doing our best, but we stop believing that everything must be perfect to be worthwhile. By letting go of small things — whether it’s a task, a relationship issue, or a personal flaw — we begin to experience more freedom and peace.
I’m OK, You’re OK offers a similar lesson but focuses on relationships. When we approach others from a balanced place (Adult-to-Adult), we create relationships based on mutual respect and acceptance. Letting go of control in relationships means allowing others to be who they are, accepting that both you and they are “OK” as is. This shift opens up space for more authentic and fulfilling connections.
Living in Balance: Practical Steps for Letting Go
Both books offer practical ways to begin letting go of perfectionism and control:
- Accept imperfection as part of life: Life is naturally imperfect. Instead of fighting this, embrace it. Learn to accept small mistakes or imperfections, both in yourself and others, without judgment.
- Focus on the present, not just the outcome: Whether it’s at work or in relationships, focusing on the present moment helps us enjoy the process rather than constantly worrying about the end result.
- Trust the natural flow of life: Trying to control everything creates resistance and stress. Trust that things will work out even if they don’t go exactly as planned.
- Practice compassionate communication: When interacting with others, focus on understanding and empathy. Avoid engaging from a place of control or fear. Be open to listening and connecting without trying to fix or perfect the other person.
- Do your best, but let go of the results: In both books, there’s a clear message that we can give our best effort but need to release our attachment to outcomes. Whether it’s in work, relationships, or personal growth, peace comes when we do our part and then trust the rest will unfold as it’s meant to.
A Larger Lesson: Finding Peace in Letting Go
The combined lessons of Too Perfect and I’m OK, You’re OK point to a larger truth about life: real happiness and peace come not from controlling or perfecting, but from accepting what is. In Hindu philosophy, this lesson resonates with the teachings of surrendering to the divine flow of life — doing your duty (dharma) but not being attached to the outcome (karma yoga).
Just as we are taught to trust in the divine order of things, these books remind us to let go of the constant need for control. Perfection isn’t what brings peace; acceptance and balance do. When we release our tight grip on control, we open ourselves up to the beauty of life’s imperfections, the joy of human connection, and the peace that comes from knowing that we are “OK” just as we are.
